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| Messages... And Then Some Inspirational reality check for men, women, parents, and students |
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The Message citizens don't want to hear
by Richard L. Weaver II, PhD
There is no doubt that a democratic
government exists to serve the people and democracies grant many freedoms to
their citizens, but when you talk to some people it seems they like the
rights they are given but, somehow, tend to downplay or not mention at all,
the responsibilities. When you recognize the time and hard work involved in
being part of a democracy, however, it is no wonder that the
responsibilities often go unvoiced.
Much of the information in this essay comes from a web site, “Principles of
Democracy,” and an essay there,
Citizen Responsibilities, sponsored by International Information
Programs.
Some of the responsibilities of citizens of democracies are clear simply
because we face them on a regular basis. For example, respecting the law,
paying taxes, accepting the authority of the elected government, and
respecting those who have points of view that differ from our own, are some
of these. These are clarified, obviously, when we see law enforcement
officers, receive the tax forms from the government, see and hear our
elected officials in action, and enter a discussion with someone from an
opposing political party.
Many people take the democracy we live in for granted. That is, they seldom
give it a second thought. Why? Because they were born and raised under its
banner. They didn’t choose it; it was always there. That is why it is
sometimes said that converts make the strongest believers because they
choose what they want to believe, and when their choice is made, they give
all their heart and soul to their newly held belief. How many people do you
know who were born into a democracy and give all their heart and soul to it?
Perhaps that’s too much to ask.
That only a few who live in a democracy participate is not new. According to
Wikipedia, in Ancient
Greece, “Of the 250,000 inhabitants only some 30,000 on average were
citizens. Of those 30,000 perhaps 5,000 might regularly attend one or more
meetings of the popular Assembly.”
What if elected officials in a democracy suddenly said, “Unless you
[citizens] bear the burden of the democracy you live in [in obvious and
manifest ways], you will not benefit from the protection of your rights?”
Oh, I know it’s preposterous, but can you imagine the ramifications of such
a move? Perhaps there would be an explosion of selfless service,
volunteerism, joining of political parties, people running for office,
letters to the editor by those speaking out on local and national issues,
service on juries, joining of labor unions, community groups, and business
associations, joining of the military, and an upheaval of those dissenting
and criticizing their government — especially raising objections to such an
absurd requirement.
If there was one, single, individual requirement I would make for all those
who live in a democratic society, it would be to be informed. True democracy
demands it. In August, 2008, Bill Maher said to Larry King (and has repeated
several times since), “I often think they [Americans] are too dumb to be
governed.” Having lived in East Pakistan (now Bangladesh) for one year of my
life, I contend that there are a number of societies in the world that
cannot, and are unlikely to ever be, true democracies — much to the chagrin
of some in government. The simple fact is that democracies require an
informed populace. An interesting question, of course, is, “How fast are we
in the U.S. moving in that direction?” Or, are we already there? It’s a
question worth pondering.
The problem is that democracies require more than just an occasional vote
from its citizens to remain healthy. It may well be that the lack of steady
attention, time, and commitment from many people has resulted in where we
are today and what we have. I’m not saying that it did, but I would contend
that with greater information, more informed (and perhaps better) choices
would and could be made. No election should turn on one or two issues alone.
“The number one job of a citizen is voting in elections,” it says at “What
is a citizen’s job? This essay continues, “Voting is the best check we
have against tyranny in the government and incompetent politicians. If your
Congressman is supporting abortion and you do not like it, vote him out. If
your Senator wants to increase the power of the I.R.S. and you do not agree,
vote him out. If the president cannot keep his pants on, and you do not
think it is appropriate, vote him out. In the end it is the vote that makes
politicians accountable. And, if you want to vote, the first thing to do is
register. Today, this can even be done on-line through the
American Voters Coalition and through
M.T.V.’s Rock the Vote campaign.
These two sites are not only a place to register but centers for the next
job of a citizen — not just voting, but voting intelligently.”
I thought Wikipedia’s explanation of
democracy is not only
excellent, but the way this paragraph quoted from that makes the case for
the importance of voting supports the point of this essay. “There are
several varieties of democracy, some of which provide better representation
and more freedoms for their citizens than others. However, if any democracy
is not carefully legislated to avoid an uneven distribution of political
power with balances such as the separation of powers, then a branch of the
system of rule is able to accumulate power in a way that is harmful to
democracy itself. The ‘majority rule’ is often described as a characteristic
feature of democracy, but without responsible government it is possible for
the rights of a minority to be abused by the ‘tyranny of the majority.’ An
essential process in representative democracies are competitive elections,
that are fair both substantively and procedurally. Furthermore, freedom of
political expression, freedom of speech and freedom of the press are
essential so that citizens are informed and able to vote in their personal
interests."
Should we vote? Of course. But, also, we should be interested in giving all
classes of citizens a full and equal right to vote as well. Federal
elections should be national holidays, or, as in many European nations,
extend over a weekend, as John Buell explains in his essay,
Protecting
Democracy in a Lame Duck Congress.
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The message citizens don't want to hear
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Ten messages kids don't want to hear
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The Message Men Don’t Want to Hear
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The Message Parents Don’t Want to Hear
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The Message Students Don’t Want to Hear
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The Message Women Don’t Want to Hear
Ten messages kids don't want to hear
by Richard L. Weaver II, PhD
The messages could be, “Obey your
parents,” or “Do what’s right,” or “Eat your vegetables,” but there are ten
other messages I want to discuss in this essay. Are the messages I discuss
more important than these? What could be more obvious or important than
“Obey your parents,” or “Do what’s right?” The point is, there are numerous
messages kids don’t want to hear, and I have selected my favorites.
The first message kids don’t want to hear is: Keep your room clean without
being asked. What you may not know is that keeping your room clean is just
part of a cleanliness, good hygiene, care and responsibility routine, and by
establishing the routine early, you make it a habit to have your
surroundings in good order. Just picking up after yourself can keep your
room clean, contribute to a neat house, and help you find things when you
want them.
It is easy to think of cleaning your room petty, trivial, and unimportant,
but if you think of it as part of a cleanliness, good hygiene process that
can and should include taking care of things you own (like your bicycle,
video games, and clothes), caring for your pets, having a clean,
good-smelling body, brushing your teeth, and, in general, presenting a
fresh, upstanding, clean-cut image, you will be well on your way to
presenting to others a positive character, pleasing personality, and likable
and attractive self.
The second message kids don’t want to hear is: Learn how to read well.
Whether you are asked to read by your parents or by your teachers, take
every opportunity to do so. Also, read when you are by yourself, waiting for
others, or trying to find something interesting to do. Always have a book or
magazine with you. Good reading skills — which you develop simply by
practicing it over and over — will help you do better in school, make all of
your education easier and more comfortable, bring you a greater amount of
information, and help you stand out from others. Good reading skills are the
foundation from which all educated, intelligent, and well-informed growth
and development can and will occur.
The third message kids don’t want to hear is: Take school seriously. If good
reading skills are the foundation, then school is the structural support
that is fastened to that foundation. Whether it makes sense to you now,
whether you think it will be valuable to you in the future, and whether you
want to accept what you are being told, all that you are learning in school
will help you in the future. You are too young for it all to make sense; you
are too young to see its value; and you are to young to be making judgments
about what to accept and what to reject. Be a sponge, and absorb everything
you are being told, everything you are reading, and everything that goes on
each day in your classes. The big payoff will come, but you must be patient.
The fourth message kids don’t want to hear is: Stop wasting your time
playing video games. As a brief recess from homework, as a break from doing
your chores, or as a brief opportunity for doing something different, they
are okay. But, the skills learned from playing video games will make no
contribution to a successful life. All they will do is keep you from the
other kinds of things you should be doing, and that includes reading, doing
homework, playing outside, exercising, and talking with family and friends.
The fifth message kids don’t want to hear is: Keep physically active.
Whether you are playing outside, riding your bike, walking to the store or
school, or following a regular exercise routine, regular physical exercise
is important. Often the habits that are necessary for keeping us young as we
age, are habits established while we are young. Physical activity is a great
compliment to mental activity (like reading), and the two of these will help
you keep your body slim and fit.
The sixth message kids don’t want to hear is: Treasure your family and
friends. It is easy, as a youth, to climb into your own, individually
constructed, safe and protected world where others are not free to enter or
intrude. You come home from school, you shut your bedroom door (maybe even
post a sign on it that says, “Do Not Enter!”), and you escape into your
space — away from family (as far as you can get, anyway) and away from
friends (if you have any). Healthy children have friends; healthy children
interact regularly with others; healthy children learn who they are through
their interactions with others. To maintain contact is to sustain a healthy,
social, support network.
The seventh message kids don’t want to hear is to listen. There are many
reasons to learn to listen: you learn more, show respect to others, better
prepare yourself for the future, and stay alert to the information you need
to perform better on a daily (even hourly) basis. I’m sure you have heard
the saying, “"The reason that we have two ears and one mouth," the Greek
philosopher, Zeno, said, "is that we may listen the more and talk the less."
The eighth message kids don’t want to hear is to be yourself. There is a
great deal of pressure as a child to be like everyone else (to fit in), or
to try to make yourself into something or someone you are not. This doesn’t
mean you don’t obey the rules and listen to your parents and friends. What
it means is to let your creativity and your uniqueness be revealed. Don’t
stifle what is naturally, comfortably, and genuinely you.
The ninth message kids don’t want to hear is: Always look on the bright
side. It is easy to view the problems of this world, the difficulties of
your society, the problems of your family and friends, and the troubles you
face on a daily basis and become sad and depressed. The fact is, you are
lucky to be alive, lucky to live in this world, society and community, and
fortunate to have family and friends. If you are patient you will find that
your own troubles will disappear very soon, and when looked at in
retrospect, you will find your problems are surprisingly minor.
The tenth message kids don’t want to hear is: Help others. When you examine
your luck, talent, and gifts, your position in this society, and what you
have been given, and if you viewed it all in comparison with so many others
in this world, you would quickly discover that you have so much to give. The
more you give the more you will discover your true self.
Yes, ten messages sound like a lot, but if you show these messages to any
adult, he or she will tell you 1) they are sound and true, 2) they will make
you a better person, 3) they will help us all improve our society, and it is
likely he or she will come up with one, two, or even three of their own
messages not discussed here. Try it; you’ll love the results you get!
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The message citizens don't want to hear
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Ten messages kids don't want to hear
>
The Message Men Don’t Want to Hear
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The Message Parents Don’t Want to Hear
>
The Message Students Don’t Want to Hear
>
The Message Women Don’t Want to Hear
The Message Men Don’t Want to Hear
by Richard L. Weaver II, PhD
YOU are responsible for whether your
relationship is successful or not. If you want an effective, long-term,
highly satisfying, mutually rewarding, fully functional relationship, it is
up to you — men! The burden of responsibility is squarely on your shoulders.
You may wonder how I can be that bold, brazen, impertinent, blatant, and
shameless. The reason is simple: if you examine each of the essential
elements of good relationships (elements I have written about and discussed
for over thirty years), each element is one on which women surpass men in
both their understanding and demonstration. Even more than that, women are
hardwired to excel on each element — hardwired to excel on each of the
essential elements of good relationships.
Let me deal with the first three of the elements, group the other five, and
then discuss how men need to change. The first element is verbal skills, and
in this area, females begin talking earlier than males, score ahead of males
in reading and writing, and recognize the emotional overtones in others and
in language. Verbal skills are important in relationships for partners to
conduct ongoing conversations, engage in dialogue, and assess the
relationship itself. It is the means for searching with a relationship
partner for ways to reduce conflict, discuss expectations that partners have
of each other, and explore all the unexpected, unforeseen, unanticipated,
and surprising events likely to impinge on the relationship.
The second element is emotional expressiveness. It may be that females’
verbal skills are responsible for their superior emotional expressiveness,
but, as noted above, they are superior to males in recognizing the emotional
overtones in others and in language. With better verbal skills, women become
more experienced at articulating their feelings, using words to explore and
substitute for emotional reactions, rather than having physical fights, and
inviting others into conversations. Achieving emotional expressiveness is
important to discussing points of conflict and dealing effectively with
conflict is essential if relationships are to be successful.
The third element is conversational focus which concerns what you choose to
talk about in relationships. When men talk, they give information about
things: business, sports, and food. They don’t talk about people, and they
like to compete. When it comes to conversational focus, the scale is deeply
tilted in favor of women because they talk to get information and to
connect. Rather than focusing on things, they talk about people, and when
they talk they share their feelings and details. They are relationship
oriented and cooperate. These differences alone are enough to create
conflict.
As if summarizing some of the evidence offered thus far, the “father” of
sociobiology, Edward O. Wilson of Harvard University, said that females tend
to be higher than males in empathy, verbal skills, and social skills. In
contrast, men are higher in independence, dominance, mathematical skills,
and aggression.
With the results clear on these first three elements and the evidence, thus
far, so clearly in favor of women on the essentials, it is easy to see, in
advance, the results on the other elements — nonverbal analysis (the ability
to read between the lines), conversational encouragement (willingness to
listen and show interest), care and appreciation (expressing it verbally,
giving compliments, and engaging in self-disclosure), commitment
(willingness to take responsibility for the problems that occur in the
relationship), and adaptation (the time and effort dedicated to supporting,
encouraging, and nurturing relationships). In every case, women do not just
have an edge, they have a distinct and overwhelming superiority.
Men can point the finger at others, hold them responsible, blame, condemn or
find fault with them, but, in the end, they are the ones. They are
responsible. It is what they do or don’t do, what they feel or don’t feel,
and how they choose to communicate or not that makes the difference in
relationships. They can say, “Well that’s just the way I am, deal!” or “I’m
a male, what more do I need to say?” or “You knew what I was like when you
married me, why did you marry me?”
The essential point is this: if men want a relationship of which they can be
proud, one that will last for their lifetime, and one that can bring them
joy, happiness, and great pleasure, they will have to make changes. Major
changes. The first change must be that men treat women with respect. There
must be no degrading comments, public put-downs, or treating the woman as an
unequal subordinate. Men and women in relationships are equal partners and
must show equal respect.
The second change is that men, in all cases, must support their relationship
partner. This does not mean they have to agree with them, but they have to
honor their partner’s right to hold opinions and ideas different from their
own. Disagreeing with a partner’s ideas, even in public, does not reveal a
lack of support; however, not allowing a partner to act on beliefs that may
differ from their own is not supportive and wrong.
The third change is that men must trust females. Without trust, there is no
love. The only road to lifetime companionship that will yield security,
stability, and peace, is down the road of trust.
The fourth change is the need for privacy. What is said and done between
relationship partners must always remain private between partners unless
each gives permission to disclose.
The fifth change is to allow disagreement without being destructive.
Arguments, even heated ones, occur between people who both love and like
each other. Arguments are no place for name calling, hurtful accusations,
and dwelling on past wounds. Disagreements must be constructive — discussing
current issues and how things can be changed.
The seventh change is to take an interest in your relationship partner’s
life. Ask about her health, interests, recreational activities, and work —
then listen like you really care.
The eighth change is to communicate in an open, non-evasive, and honest way.
The ninth change is that men must allow their partners their own space —
space that should never be invaded. Partners must be free to spend time with
others outside the relationship, and they must have privacy in their
correspondence, phone calls, text messaging, and e-mails.
Although this is a message men do not want to hear, it is a message
essential to the establishment of permanent, productive, effective,
rewarding, and pleasurable relationships.
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The message citizens don't want to hear
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Ten messages kids don't want to hear
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The Message Men Don’t Want to Hear
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The Message Parents Don’t Want to Hear
>
The Message Students Don’t Want to Hear
>
The Message Women Don’t Want to Hear
The Message Parents Don’t Want to Hear
by Richard L. Weaver II, PhD
You are responsible! I don’t mean
giving your children “a safe environment for their growth, providing for
their basic needs, allowing them to develop their own identity, nurturing
their self esteem, installing moral and social values, respecting them,
educating them, or even spending time with them” as explained in an ezine
article on
Parental Responsiblity by Nigel Lane. I consider all of these expected,
obvious, and necessary parental duties.
In this essay I will discuss violence, obesity, reading, and manners. In
each case, I hold parents responsible for the results each of us witnesses
every day in our society.
“Childhood meanness always has been a part of growing up -- taunting other
youngsters, playing malicious practical jokes, indulging in gossip and
put-downs, vying for pecking order in snobbish (or rebel) cliques,” writes
B. K. Eakman in an essay entitled
The Seven Deadly Sins of Parental Irresponsibility. “Adults, especially
parents,” Eakman continues, “used to rein in such conduct, being ever
vigilant of youthful excesses. They looked around when they changed the
beds, paid attention to the company their offspring kept (and idolized),
said ‘No!’ to inappropriate apparel and entertainment, quashed disobedience
and punished foul language.”
This is not to suggest that there aren’t other factors than parents alone in
influencing children. But my position is that parents must bear the primary
responsibility. Eakman writes, “The tendency to give smaller offenses a free
pass as in ‘don't sweat the small stuff,’ especially in areas such as tact,
propriety and orderliness, so that a child views life as a constant
challenge to test the limits of parents' and society's tolerance.”
Finally, Eakman makes my case for parental irresponsibility: “Even toddlers
recognize that, for the most part, adults today just go through the motions
of child-rearing, occasionally mentoring, not wishing to appear unyielding,
inflexible or dogmatic.”
Childhood violence is just one example, obesity is another. Phil Ian Goode,
in an essay entitled,
Teenage Obesity A Growing Problem Parents Must Not Ignore, writes about
who is to blame for the poor eating habits and lazy ways of children and
teens. He writes, “The blame has only one doorstep to be laid upon, that of
the parents. If the household food purchasing patterns include maximal
amounts of processed foods, foods high in fats and moreover high in sugar
and/or takeaway/fast foods, then this is simply parental irresponsibility in
practice.” Goode continues, “The same goes for habitually buying large
shipments of mega-sized soda and cola drinks. These beverages are frequently
caffeine based and therefore in effect ‘addictive.’ Parents who have
developed the taste for literally gallons of soda a week in their children
have a great deal of blame to shoulder if their child has turned into
victims of teenage obesity!”
Like most unhealthy, unattractive, and unnecessary childhood and teenage
problems and characteristics, parents need to set good examples, discuss the
issues, and keep a close eye on their children and teenagers. Sure, society
can serve up junk food, soda and cola drinks, and candy, but parents control
what is purchased. Of course there will be times when children and teenagers
are in control — at school or at a friend’s house — but these times are
minimal compared with time at home and the influence of good parental
models. There is no excuse, and the worst one of all, of course, is, “I
didn’t see it until it was too late.”
There is another aspect of parental irresponsibility, too, that bears
directly on obesity and laziness as well. Randall Seltz writes in the
Western Herald,
Legislation Will Not Prevent Obesity for Apathetic Kids. In his essay,
he states, “Many currently obese or overweight children spend more hours
sitting in front of a television playing sports video games when they could
be outside actually playing the sports. Parents need to encourage their
children to make healthy decisions when it comes to recreation, while also
providing nutritional food for them to eat, rather than fatty junk foods.”
If the amount of time spent viewing television, the Internet, playing video
games, and watching movies is not under parental control, then parents are
not in control — and they must be!
Violence and obesity are two examples, but poor reading skills can, too,
have a damaging long-term effect on one’s life, and parents are responsible
here as well. Damaging long-term effect? Children who read well have higher
IQs, do better in school, are more creative, develop strong language skills,
and have more information. A child who says, “I just don’t like to read,” or
“I don’t read well,” or does poorly in school (often traced to poor reading
skills), is a child of irresponsible parents. Parents must introduce
children to reading early, read to them regularly, provide a model by
reading themselves, and make available reading material as an alternative to
television, the Internet, playing video games, and watching movies. Not to
do this will continue what has already begun: the production of a generation
of semi-literate slackers.
Finally, in the area of manners, parents are responsible. The loud,
obnoxious, and rude behavior of children and teenagers emanates in the home.
Scott Wardell, in an essay entitled,
Teaching Manners — Why Parents Need to Set An Example, writes, “We all
want our children to have good manners. Manners can and should begin to be
taught to children as soon as they begin to speak. Saying ‘please’ and
‘thank you’ are common manners. Parents who model good manners in front of
their children often see the children beginning to use appropriate manners.”
Wardell offers seven steps for teaching good manners at his website.
If we are to have a generation of civil, slender, readers, with manners,
then it is mandatory that parents take charge. Children and teenagers will
be as responsible as their parents were in raising them. Sure, it’s a
message parents don’t want to hear, but it is a message of parental
responsibility that is important to society as well as the next generation.
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The message citizens don't want to hear
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Ten messages kids don't want to hear
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The Message Men Don’t Want to Hear
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The Message Parents Don’t Want to Hear
>
The Message Students Don’t Want to Hear
>
The Message Women Don’t Want to Hear
The Message Students Don’t Want to Hear
by Richard L. Weaver II, PhD
It is all up to you! “I didn’t ask to
be here,” “It doesn’t really matter,” or “It depends on my teachers, not
me,” are some typical comments that assist, support, and excuse students
from their responsibility as students. Of course, there are many other
excuses, but they all come down to one essential idea: “I am not responsible
for my life.”
The excuse, “I didn’t ask to be here,” is a reason that can license any
behavior or activity. It is an excuse that says, basically, I do not have to
worry or be concerned about my life. It is my parents’ fault, not mine.
The easy counter to such an excuse is much like the one used by those who
question our presence in Iraq. They dispose of any discussion of Iraq by
saying, “We shouldn’t be there in the first place.” The problem is that such
a comment is irrelevant: we’re there! The question is, what should we do
now? The clear question to those who use this excuse is: “Okay, you’re here,
so what are you going to do about it?” When you stop blaming, you start
gaining.
The second excuse, “It doesn’t really matter,” assumes that the first excuse
has been resolved. It is easy to look at life and think of yourself, your
life, and all that you do as insignificant, meaningless and inconsequential:
“I’m just one unimportant cog in a giant machine that I can neither see nor
understand. The world is just too big, and I am but an ant in a colony of
thousands or even millions of ants — going nowhere, doing all sorts of work,
and seemingly (from all human appearances) aimless and purposeless.
Fortunately, this excuse can be directly countered with evidence. Whether it
is the value of a college experience (or any educational opportunity), the
contribution that a single individual can make to society, or the value that
purpose, direction, and goals can play in your personal life, all
demonstrate with startling clarity, that life matters and that each single
life can matter highly.
With just a slight attitude adjustment — the realization that “I am in
charge of my life” — the results can be an important quality: that if I just
take some time to look at where I’ve been, where I am now, and where I would
like to go, I can begin to find order in the chaos, direction in the
disorganization, and certainty in the confusion. It all depends on me!
The third excuse, “It depends on my teachers, not me,” often is trumpeted as
a reason for disinterest, detachment, and boredom. There is no question that
there are boring teachers in this world. Anyone involved in education knows
this, and it is too bad. But, with a slight attitude adjustment, as
mentioned above, students can achieve at new heights, discover new horizons,
and come up with new truths. Teachers are not responsible for how much
students learn! Learning occurs in students, and anything in this world can
be a stimulus, a prompt, or an inspiration. Teachers are but one, textbooks
are another, but there are other students, television, the Internet, the
whole educational experience, and a whole world full of ideas to explore.
Here is the point: students are totally and completely responsible for any
learning that occurs, and there is no situation in life that is devoid of
opportunities to learn and discover. Even though teachers may be
disorganized, drone on in sleep-inducing monotones, cover material you have
already read in the textbook, or offer no questions or challenges of any
kind, it doesn’t mean that learning cannot occur. It takes a vigilant,
attentive, perceptive, and observant student to create meaning, produce
substance, and develop something worthwhile. But, it can be done.
If students stop viewing their role in the process of instruction as a
passive vessel just waiting to be filled and, instead, view their role as an
active, involved, committed, and devoted participant in the process who is
there as a sponge just waiting to assimilate, integrate, and appropriate
information, the process of instruction becomes an active one that is alive
with possibilities and potentials. Learning is a process of looking for
information much as a detective looks for cues.
“I didn’t ask to be here,” “It really doesn’t matter,” and “It depends on my
teachers not me,” are vacant, superfluous, trite excuses that hold no water.
You may think they free you from responsibility, and they may, indeed, offer
some momentary freedom for pleasure-seeking, self-gratification, and high
living, but each one will come back to bite you where it hurts the most.
That is, you will pay dearly in the future for your momentary hedonism. Drop
the excuses, change your attitude, and recognize that it’s all up to you!
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The message citizens don't want to hear
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Ten messages kids don't want to hear
>
The Message Men Don’t Want to Hear
>
The Message Parents Don’t Want to Hear
>
The Message Students Don’t Want to Hear
>
The Message Women Don’t Want to Hear
The Message Women Don’t Want to Hear
by Richard L. Weaver II, PhD
Having already written on the topic,
“The Message Men Don’t Want to Hear,” in this essay I want to support an
equally important, essential message aimed at women if they want
relationship success: the burden for the strength and endurance of your
relationship falls squarely on your shoulders.
Before diving into the deep end of the pool, here, let me offer several
caveats to what I am about to say. First, my thoughts do not apply to
everyone (maybe no one!). Everyone is different, and within a relationship,
often the combined effect of two partners results in a third “entity” that
is unlikely to represent either partner fully and completely. That is,
because of the effect of each partner on the other, there evolves a “third
partner” unique and separate unto itself that differs in most respects from
the individual, traditional characteristics of males and females. Second, my
thoughts are reflections of what I think takes place and should neither
license nor sanction the behaviors discussed. Third, if my thoughts —
accurate or not — stimulate discussion within relationships, they have
served a purpose. Discussion of issues such as these is healthy.
The first and most essential ingredient that should guide you if your goal
is a long-term, indestructible, and successful relationship is that (just as
men), you must reveal respect for, trust in, and support for your
relationship partner. Without respect, trust, and support the other elements
fade into meaninglessness.
The second essential ingredient is to understand and successfully deal with
the fact that you are the relationship specialist. Along with that fact,
however, there are other related and important roles. For example, you are
responsible for building, maintaining, and strengthening your relationship.
This includes, of course, taking the responsibility for talking (even
initiating talk), nurturing, empathizing, supporting, and emotional
expressing.
The third essential ingredient is to understand and deal with the fact that
you and your relationship partner neither think nor communicate in the same
way. It does not, and it will not happen — nor can you make it happen. For
example, your expertise in “rapport talk” means you prefer communication
that builds, maintains, and strengthens relationships. It is reflected in
those skills discussed above: talking, nurturing, emotional expression,
empathy, and support.
Men’s expertise in “report talk,” on the other hand, means they prefer types
of communication that emphasize the analysis of issues and solving problems.
They are skilled in being competitive, lacking sentimentality, analyzing,
and focusing aggressively on task accomplishment.
What is important to understand with respect to this third ingredient, is
what it means to the thinking and communicating of men. These differences
between “rapport talk” and “report talk” results, for men, in different ways
to tackle problems, frame ideas, undertake projects, launch discussions (if
this is done), embark on new adventures, solve puzzles, answer questions,
take on trouble, overcome hurdles, and deal with misfortunes. The point is,
it dictates their entire approach to life.
A related aspect of the difference between “rapport talk” and “report talk”
is that when there are misunderstandings, it is easy for you to believe that
the other’s motives are unreasonable, mean spirited, or worse. Because in
disagreements you take every comment or difference of opinion personally,
often you will bring up past arguments to try to level the playing field.
The fact is that the misunderstanding very likely has little to do with you.
The misunderstanding, more than likely, is ego driven. That is, it is a
result of his personal needs and desires. It is because he is not getting
his way. It is because he doesn’t want to talk. It is because he has already
thought of a solution for the misunderstanding if you will only give him a
chance to state it and solve the misunderstanding. The sooner a solution,
the quicker peace returns.
The fourth essential ingredient is that you must steel yourself for the
brunt of the lack of sympathy you are likely to get from your partner. No
matter how much you crave it, sympathy is a very uncommon male expression.
Likewise, when your feelings are hurt or conflicts arise, it will be up to
you (not him) to try to soothe the hurt feelings or resolve (or overlook)
the conflict. Ironic isn’t it? When your feelings are hurt the only sympathy
you will get will be from yourself!
The fifth ingredient is to accept the fact that men do not like to talk.
Bullying or pushing them into talking is likely to make them angry and
result in a fight. And talking about the relationship, his attraction to
other women, what happened in past relationships, preference for friends
over you, or asking him to express his feelings are (for him) extreme,
radical, and high-risk forms of talk. As far as men are concerned, not
talking is a sign of trust and intimacy. The only time that talk may be
appropriate, as far as men are concerned (and it was referred to previously)
is telling you what you should do to solve a problem or resolve an issue.
Talk in such situations is short and to the point because, as noted before,
the sooner a solution, the quicker peace returns
The sixth ingredient is to accept the fact that men show their affection not
by expressions of love (like you would prefer) but by doing things (like
taking out the garbage or having sex).
The seventh ingredient is not to think of your relationship as one of
partners thinking alike and sharing. Think of it, instead, only as a
partnership in which both of you exist within the same environment but
maintain parallel lives. Rather than interdependence (mutual dependence) and
cooperation as you would prefer, accept independence and competition. When
convergence and overlap occurs within the relationship, enjoy it for what it
is. Recognize that happiness for men is more likely to result from
independence — not in sharing, cooperation, and joint action.
There is no sure-fire method for dealing with all of these ingredients. If
you work hard at maintaining closeness, forgive your partner whenever
necessary, maintain self-respect and self-esteem, cooperate at every
opportunity, stay open to spontaneity, maintain your energy by staying
healthy, keep relationship details to yourself, encourage dialog and
communication whenever possible by taking an interest in what your partner
does, give him space, friends, and activities to offer a respite from the
responsibilities of work, home, and family, apologize, apologize, and
apologize, work together through the hard times, and realize that love ebbs
and flows and depends on how you treat each other, it is more likely that
happiness, success, and relationship longevity will occur. Just remember
that, in the end, the burden for the strength and endurance of your
relationship falls squarely on your shoulders.
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