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A weekend with the grandkids And Then Some...
by Richard L. Weaver II, PhD
When my wife first called to check on the availability of the cabin, the
word from Mohican Adventures was for her to call back the next day to see if
the cabin was being rented the night before our arrival. If not, it would be
available for us as early as noon rather than 5:00 p.m. Its availability
allowed us to leave at 10 a.m., rather than 2:30 p.m., and gave us an
appropriate start for a weekend at the cabin And Then Some.
There were 8 of us arriving early, and after unpacking, we played numerous
games of Texas Horseshoes (Corn Hole), munched on popcorn, relaxed to music,
read the day’s paper, and some began a 500-piece 3-D puzzle.
When the second round of occupants arrived (my daughter, her husband, and
four kids) from Columbus, the noise level and excitement increased
dramatically. Food was prepared (tacos), and everyone gathered around the
cabin table (which seated 14) and consumed chicken tacos with all the
trimmings.
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A weekend with the grandkids And Then Some...
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Most fathers have no idea the influence they have on their children
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The best things in your life were planted by the tender hand of your mother
Most fathers have no idea the influence they have on their children
by Richard L. Weaver II, PhD
My own father never was on my side, and
if he could see me now (he died in 1964 at the age of 53; had he lived, he
would be 96), he might react differently than the impressions I gained from
him during my youth: “You’re never going to amount to anything!” It could
be, too, that he would demonstrate in my adult years, the same resentment
and jealousy I felt from him regarding any of my successes or personal
growth. There are some traits and abilities I am certain I picked up from
him; however, most of what I remember I either received directly or absorbed
from my mother. My father’s influence on me? It was more likely a reaction
against what I experienced rather than an emulation of it.
One factor that provides a useful and accurate metaphor for my own fathering
was the time I was willing to spend with my children. Whether it was playing
with blocks, Lincoln Logs, or a toy train, or helping them write school
essays, going to student-teacher conferences, or attending athletic events
to watch the cheerleaders or marching band, my wife and I were there for
them. For one of our daughters, we either chaperoned or attended her
cheerleading events, no matter where it took us; for one of our sons in the
school’s pep band, we attended athletic events to hear him play.
In his book, The Father Factor (Prometheus Books, 2006), Stephan B. Poulter
http://coaches.aol.com/business-and-career/feature/_a/excerpt-the-father-factor/20070220113809990001,
states that “Professional experience tells me that approximately 10 percent
of all fathers make up this group of men (pp. 157-58).” He labels “my” kind
of fathering “the compassionate-mentor father.” I have borrowed from Poulter
for this essay, and I have avoided using quotation marks, for the most part,
because of the distraction they cause.
Of the important elements Poulter lists for compassionate-mentor fathers,
there are a number I revealed throughout my children’s development. In the
writing of this essay, I have avoided mentioning the role my wife has played
because this is a Father’s Day essay. This avoidance should not suggest I
considered my role exclusionary. My wife’s role in everything I do is not
just significant but praiseworthy.
One of Poulter’s elements I demonstrated was a tolerance and acceptance of
differences including religious, ethical, relational, and career
disparities. In addition, there was an understanding of other people’s
feelings, thoughts, and concerns without defensiveness or judgment. This was
substantiated often through our regular family-dinner conversations. These
family-dinner conversations were valuable because they provided our children
easily observed trust in their personal beliefs and convictions and an
allowance and understanding of their dreams and goals — which, because of
the established norm and supportive atmosphere, they were happy to openly
share.
In addition to the elements of tolerance, acceptance, and understanding,
there was both a demonstration and support of leadership qualities simply
because of the experiences I shared regarding my work and the encouragement
always shown to the children when they were given, elected to take, or
sought leadership positions themselves. Leadership is also reinforced by
helping children understand and use the traits leaders are expected to
demonstrate: listening, open-mindedness, cooperation, helpfulness,
responsiveness, organization and goal orientation, respectful consideration
of others, and the clear expression of ideas.
One of the most striking qualities in the upbringing of our children was the
absence of negative “baggage” such as anger, neglect, resentment, and need
for approval. It was, I’m sure, the absence of these emotionally draining
and energy-consuming issues that allowed for the development of positive,
life-affirming qualities which include self-esteem, empathy, courage,
emotional security, stability, strong relationships, and a vision for their
lives. Children who carry with them their father’s disappointments,
frustrations, depression, and resentments often have these same experiences
in their own personal lives and careers.
There is a certain pride you take when you see your sons and daughters feel
good about themselves and, especially, when that strength of character is
passed on to the people surrounding them in their lives. Poulter claims that
children of a compassionate-mentor father “have the insight and compassion
to understand others, relate to contrary opinions, and communicate their
beliefs in a positive manner (p. 159).”
So, what do fathers contribute to the upbringing of their children? They
help their daughters and sons develop feelings of love, self-worth, a sense
of competence, and a capacity and willingness to take risks. Father support
may make the difference between a child’s becoming a high school dropout, a
chronic drug abuser, an unreliable employee, miserable at work, or a
successful and accomplished adult. When fathers emotionally bond with their
children, they establish an ongoing open line of communication which is the
basis for children developing a positive sense of their world and place in
it.
Looking back at my fathering, it was not without failure. There were moments
of emotional outbursts and negative feelings, but from an early age my
children always knew their father cared about them, even though I completely
misunderstood certain situations. Their father’s guidance and love was there
for them — and it was clear at all points — to guide them through periods of
great difficulty and personal change. The recurrent, unspoken support is
what has allowed my children to take adventurous steps, make important
choices, and tackle the challenges they have faced.
I did not do what I did as a father because it was the right thing to do,
because I was trained or taught to do it, nor because I knew the effect it
would have on my children. I did it for two reasons: because I wanted to do
it for my kids and family, and, second, because it was enjoyable. Perhaps, I
would have enjoyed it more or had a greater commitment, had I known the
empowering effect it would have on them to pursue their dreams, strengths,
and hopes. Or, had I known that my role in their lives was irreplaceable and
critical to their future development because of my emotional attachment as a
parent. Only in retrospect (and after reading Poulter’s book), did I know
the importance of my role in providing my children a sense of safety,
support, and a feeling that things will always work out.
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>
A weekend with the grandkids And Then Some...
>
Most fathers have no idea the influence they have on their children
>
The best things in your life were planted by the tender hand of your mother
The best things in your life were planted by the tender hand of your mother
by Richard L. Weaver II, PhD
I still remember the advice my mother
gave me: “Be careful or you’ll put your eye out,” “What if everyone jumped
off a cliff? Would you do it, too?” “You have enough dirt behind your ears
to grow potatoes!” “Don’t make that face, or it’ll freeze in that position,”
“Close that door! You weren’t brought up in a barn,” “If you can’t say
something nice, don’t say anything at all,” and the best advice of all,
“Always wear clean underwear; you never know when you’ll be in an accident.”
My mother was a teacher, thus, giving advice was natural and automatic for
her.
Mother’s Day in the United States was loosely inspired by the British
holiday and imported by the social activist Julia Ward Howe after the
American Civil War. Originally it was a call to unite women against war.
Howe did not get formal recognition of a Mother’s Day for Peace. In the
United States Howe was influenced by Ann Jarvis, a young Appalachian
homemaker who, starting in 1858, attempted to improve sanitation through
what she called Mothers’ Work Days. When Jarvis died in 1904, her daughter,
named Anna Jarvis, started to found a memorial day for women. The first one
was celebrated in Grafton, West Virginia, on May 10, 1908, in the church
where the elder Ann Jarvis had taught Sunday school. Grafton is the home to
the International Mother’s Day Shrine. From there, the custom caught on, and
the holiday was declared officially by some states beginning in 1912.
It was President Woodrow Wilson who, because of the influence of a national
letter-writing campaign to ministers, businessmen, and politicians begun by
Jarvis, in 1914, declared the first national Mother’s Day as a day for
American citizens to show the flag in honor of those mothers whose sons had
died in war—with specific reference to The Great War, now known as World War
I. By 1923 commercialization of the U.S. holiday had become so rampant that
Anna Jarvis became a major opponent of how the holiday had evolved. Now,
according to the National Restaurant Association, Mother’s Day is the most
popular day of the year to dine out at a restaurant.
When I was preparing this essay, I was sitting in church, and my son,
Reverend R. Scott Weaver, delivered a sermon entitled, “Are You My Mother?,”
and within the sermon he included a quotation from Ralph Waldo Emerson, the
famous American essayist. Emerson said, “People are what their mothers make
them.” That quotation reminded me of a poem from an unknown poet, entitled
“Before I Was Myself You Made Me,” that I found and saved many years ago
because, for me, it held so many rich truths:
Before I was myself you made me, me
With love and patience, discipline, and tears,
Then bit by bit stepped back to set me free,
Allowing me to sail upon my sea,
Though well within the headlands of your fears.
Before I was myself you made me, me
With dreams enough of what I was to be
And hopes that would be sculpted by the years,
Then bit by bit stepped back to set me free,
Relinquishing your powers gradually
As dancers when the last sweet cadence nears
Bit by bit stepped back to set me free.
For love inspires learning naturally:
The mind assents to what the heart reveres.
And so it was through love you made me, me
By slowly stepping back to set me free.
The influence that our mothers have on us cannot be underestimated, my son
said in his sermon, acknowledging my wife, his mother, whose faith permeated
his life. “The bond between a child and a mother is unparalleled among all
of our lifelong relationships,” my son continued. He then revealed an
important irony—that his listeners might believe that his relationship with
his spouse would be unparalleled when compared to any other relationship in
his life, but he proceeded to explain one of the most fundamental truths
regarding relationships. He explained it in this way:
“If a bride thinks that she is going to be able to change the man she
intends to marry—or a groom thinks that he is going to be able to change the
woman he intends to marry—to make her what he wants her to be, he isn’t only
dealing with the woman—he is dealing with her mother. And for that
bride, she is dealing with HIS mother. And it doesn’t matter if his mother
is alive or not! Our mother’s live on with us long after they are a physical
presence in our lives on a daily basis.”
There is a lot that each of us can learn from mothers no matter what our age
or place in life, as my son acknowledged. Some of the fundamental truths
that I learned from my mother and that have lived with me on a daily basis I
wrote in the first paragraph of this essay. There were many others, of
course, but it was with my mother’s guidance that I became a writer, and
because of her work with me, I dedicated one of my textbooks entitled
Understanding Public Communication to her with the inscription, “To Florence
B. Weaver with whom I first publicly communicated.” In the copy I sent to
her more than 25 years ago, I wrote, “What can I say except all this would
have been impossible without you. I love you.”
In his sermon, my son told this story: “There was a devout Christian mother
who was always teaching her daughter lessons of faith and trust. She always
told her daughter that she never needed to be afraid at any time because God
was always near. One summer evening she tucked her little girl in bed after
her prayers, put out the light, and went downstairs.
“Then an electrical storm came rolling out of the west with vivid flashes of
lightning and a reverberating roar of thunder. Suddenly there was a
simultaneous blinding flash and a deafening crash, and when the echoes died
away, the mother heard the little girl calling desperately, “Mama! Mama!
Come and get me.”
“The mother found her trembling, little girl in tears. After she had soothed
her somewhat, she thought it might be an opportune time to teach a spiritual
lesson. She said, “My little girl, has Mommy not taught you many times that
you need never be afraid, that God is always near, and nothing can harm you?
“The little one put her arms around her mother’s neck and said, “Yes, Mommy.
I know that God is always near, but when the lightning and the thunder are
so awful, I want someone near me that’s got skin on.”
Scott ended his sermon saying, “Count the best things in your life:
character, love, unselfishness, forgiveness, kindness, gentleness. They were
all planted by that tender hand so long ago, the hand of that wonderful
woman who cuddled you and held you and said, “This is my child.”
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A weekend with the grandkids And Then Some...
>
Most fathers have no idea the influence they have on their children
>
The best things in your life were planted by the tender hand of your mother
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