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| And Then Some Approach The philosophy and approach to life... And Then Some! |
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An attitude of gratitude And Then Some
by Richard L. Weaver II, PhD
In 1907 the physician and
endocrinologist and world’s leading authority on stress and emotional and
physical responses to stress, Hans Selye — “the Einstein of medicine” —
said, “Among all emotions, there is one which, more than any other, accounts
for the presence or absence of stress in human relations: that is the
feeling of gratitude.” Striving for others’ gratitude served as Selye’s
guiding philosophy of life, and he believed it was the ultimate aim of
existence.
The information in this essay comes from the book, "Thanks! How the New
Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier" (Houghton Mifflin, 2007), in
which professor Robert Emmons, from the University of California, at Davis,
shows that a systematic cultivation of the underexamined emotion can
measurably change people’s lives. I have borrowed from Emmons’ work, and I
use a minimum of quotation marks for the ease of reading.
There are three focal points in this essay. I examine the advantages of
living a life of gratitude. I list some of the obstacles to maintaining an
attitude of gratitude. Finally, I discuss strategies for overcoming the
obstacles and obtaining an attitude of gratitude And Then Some.
There are many advantages to living a life of gratitude. Perhaps the most
universal advantage is that it is one of the building blocks of a civil and
humane society. On a personal level, there are emotional, physical, and
interpersonal benefits. Emotionally, people who live lives full of
gratitude, feel better about their lives as a whole, are more optimistic
about their future, and report feeling grateful, joyful, and enthusiastic.
The practice of gratitude protects people from the destructive impulses of
envy, resentment, greed, and bitterness.
Physically, people who live a life of gratitude exercise more regularly,
show increased resilience in the face of trauma-induced stress, report fewer
illness symptoms, recover more quickly from illness, and benefit from
greater physical health.
In addition to emotional and physical benefits, there are interpersonal
benefits as well. A life of gratitude leads to increased feelings of
connectedness, improved relationships, and even altruism. In experiencing
gratitude, people feel more loving and forgiving, and gratitude maximizes
the enjoyment of others and our lives. By elevating, energizing, inspiring,
and transforming lives, it provides life with meaning for without it, it can
be lonely, depressing, and impoverished.
There are numerous obstacles to living a
life of gratitude. The first is simply that we don’t think about it very
often. Clearly, it flies below our radar screen. Second, as Americans we are
prone to laziness and inactivity, and according to Emmons, “Far from being a
warm, fuzzy sentiment, gratitude is morally and intellectually demanding”
(p. 17). There can be little wonder why it seldom operates within our range
of vision.
In addition to not thinking about it and our laziness and inactivity, Emmons
claims there are “monumental forces that undermine gratitude” (p. 155). He
lists five. The first is “the negativity bias.” Often it is easy to ignore
your blessings or even complain about them. Psychologists have identified a
natural tendency of the mind to perceive an input as negative — meaning that
incoming thoughts and emotions are more likely to be unpleasant than
pleasant. What this means in operational terms is that being a grouch, for
some, comes naturally.
Emmons’ second obstacle is “the self-sufficiency illusion.” You do not want
to admit or acknowledge how much you need others. Being indebted to others
is uncomfortable, and you would rather believe that your good fortunes are
your own doing although losses and sufferings are not your fault.
His third obstacle is “the emotional expression reluctance.” This obstacle
applies more to men than women, however, our culture emphasizes the
containment of emotional expression. There are perceived negative
consequences that inhibit people from expressing their feelings.
Emmons’ fourth obstacle is “the comparison bias.” You constantly evaluate
situations, events, other people, and yourself against standards of one type
or another. When you look around and see students with harder bodies,
coworkers with larger retirement portfolios, relatives whose children are
more grateful, neighbors whose SUVs are larger, you feel resentment and
envy, not gratitude. It encourages a focus on what you don’t have, not on
what you do.
His fifth and final obstacle is “the perception of victimhood.” When you
think of yourself as damaged goods — victimized at the hands of others
(parents, spouses, coworkers, or society) — your tendency to blame them can
be a strong resistance against gratitude.
Despite the many obstacles, however, there are a variety of strategies that
will help obtain an attitude of gratitude And Then Some. Here are nine. The
first is to keep a daily diary of positive, uplifting experiences.
Gratefulness on a daily basis is related to higher levels of optimism and
self-esteem. The second is simply reminding yourself to maintain a grateful
attitude. The third is to practice gratefulness when good things happen
because if “one is not grateful before challenges arrive, it is going to be
more difficult (though not impossible) to summon up gratitude after they
hit” (p. 181). The fourth is to view existence as a gift. Then “gratefulness
is an attitude underlying successful functioning over the life course” (p.
182). Along with viewing existence as a gift, you need to be grateful for
good health and your ability to touch, see, smell, taste, and hear.
Here are the remaining four strategies. The sixth is to remember the
bad—your sorrows, losses, sadness, and trauma—along with remembering where
you are now and how far you’ve come. Remind yourself of how much worse life
might be than it is. The seventh strategy is to leave yourself visual
reminders to be grateful—notes on the refrigerator or on your bathroom
mirror. The eighth strategy is to use the language of gratefulness—gifts,
givers, blessings, fortune, fortunate, and abundance rather than
deprivation, deservingness, regrets, lack, need, scarcity, and loss. A ninth
strategy is to play the role of a grateful person. When you go through the
motions, gratitude itself will be triggered. If you do it, the true feeling
of gratefulness will emerge.
Whether it is Thanksgiving or any other time during the year, there are
obstacles to obtaining a life of gratitude. The advantages of gratefulness,
however, should make it worthwhile to put the strategies for promoting an
attitude of gratitude into immediate use. These strategies will provide an
attitude of gratitude And Then Some.
back to page top
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An attitude of gratitude And Then Some
>
Eight steps for raising your standards And Then Some!
>
Mindfulness is a way of seeing things as they really are And Then Some
>
Simple Suggestions for Improving Your Life And Then Some
>
The Core of the "AND THEN SOME" Philosophy Part 1
>
The Core of the "AND THEN SOME" Philosophy Part 2
Eight steps for raising your standards And Then Some!
by Richard L. Weaver II, PhD
Are you happy with “good enough,” or
have you become complacent with the “ordinary”? It’s a little like living
with all the junk you have accumulated over the years and making no move to
change the situation. As-a-matter-of-fact, you have become so accustomed to
it, you don’t even notice it anymore. Often, it is this same mindset that
carries over into every aspect of your life — relationships, jobs, household
chores, and projects. To change the mindset requires effort and commitment,
and when “good enough” is sufficient, why bother?
One of the reasons people consistently perform at a higher level than others
or produce more remarkable results is that they possess a higher mental
standard. Because you always move in the direction of your currently
dominant thought, when your mindset is “excellence,” you will move toward
that and perform at a higher level.
The important point here is a simple one. Trying to change behavior and
performance — like improving your life, upgrading your standards, enhancing
your relationships, advancing your employment status, and bettering your
everyday experiences — requires a change in your mindset, otherwise any
change you plan or undertake is likely to fail.
The second step is to look at the people you admire. What is it about them
that you admire? How do they behave? How do you feel when you’re around
them? What would you have to change in your life to become more like the
people you admire? These comparisons can offer a useful plan of action or,
at the very least, a place to begin.
The third step is to expect more from yourself. To change, you are going to
have to adjust, modify, revise, reshape, rework, and, perhaps, transform
yourself. Not only is this risky, but also it requires work. Demand more of
your performance in everything you do. You may need to become more creative
in looking at and selecting from a wide variety of options; you may need to
become more efficient by cutting out time-wasting, unnecessary distractions;
you may need to put some pressure on yourself to break out from your secure,
safe, and contented comfort zone. Although leaving any safe, stable
environment for something unknown is unpredictable and potentially fraught
with danger, it can be an invigorating, action-packed adventure as well.
The fourth step is to expect more from others. You need to surround yourself
with people who will challenge you. This may mean finding new players in
your life. New co-workers, new friends, new relationship partners are more
likely to test you, make demands on you, stretch, stimulate, inspire, and
excite you. This is precisely what you need to push you to your limits.
The fifth step is to become more assertive. You get what you settle for;
thus, when you risk rocking the boat, disappointing (or surprising others),
or giving yourself more than what you think you deserve, you automatically
raise your standards. When you raise your standards, you will automatically
start to attract better things into your life — better friends, more varied
experiences, superior relationships, and even higher quality material
possessions.
There is no reason you need to settle for an inferior meal in a restaurant,
a dirty room in a motel, a product that is below the quality you expect and
deserve, a bad seat in an airplane or on a bus, or a negative conversation
that may damage your ego, adversely affect your mindset, or unfavorably bear
on your future goals. Take things back, write letters of complaint, buy
higher quality things, do not support low-quality TV programming, refuse to
pay for advertising, fix things instead of throwing them out, never buy
anything on impulse, and stop settling for less.
The sixth step is to be easy on yourself. Change like that being discussed
in this essay is not going to happen overnight. Much of what is being
changed required your whole lifetime to learn and practice, thus, it is
accepted, comfortable, and pleasant behavior. That is why so many people do
not change. Become aware of your new behavior, and when you find yourself
slipping back into your old ways, stop trying to change and live your new
standard. Be easy on yourself when you slip; it is a necessary,
always-present aspect of growing and changing.
Think of “raising your standards” as creating a new habit for yourself. It
is a new way of acting. Remember that it takes a minimum of twenty-one
repetitions of a behavior before it becomes a new habit. Consider this a
journey, and as on any excursion — especially one with as important a
destination as this voyage may have — you must enjoy the ride. Be observant
and aware as this expedition takes you into new, unchartered territory.
The seventh step, in addition to the fourth step where you may find new
players in your life, make a commitment to socialize more. When you raise
your standards, the people around you will respond to you differently. There
will be those who choose to leave your life while others choose to remain.
New people will enter your life because they are attracted to your new
standards. By socializing more — especially with raised standards — you will
contact more of those likely to see and enjoy your new standards and more of
those people who will choose to become part of your life because of those
new standards. The quality of your life will improve.
The eighth step is to remove the words “good enough” and “okay” from your
vocabulary.
Higher mental standards — desiring distinction, superior quality, and
remarkable brilliance — can provide a framework for everything you do. It
could be an event you’re planning, a product you’re designing, a meal you’re
preparing, a letter you are writing, a project you are completing, a
proposal you’re submitting, a speech you are creating, a vacation you are
planning, or a room you are rearranging, when your standard is excellence,
you will perform at a higher level. We tend to take our standards for
granted, however, standards matter, and it is possible to raise them. By
following the eight steps outlined in this essay, you will raise your
standards And Then Some!
back to page top
>
An attitude of gratitude And Then Some
>
Eight steps for raising your standards And Then Some!
>
Mindfulness is a way of seeing things as they really are And Then Some
>
Simple Suggestions for Improving Your Life And Then Some
>
The Core of the "AND THEN SOME" Philosophy Part 1
>
The Core of the "AND THEN SOME" Philosophy Part 2
Mindfulness is a way of seeing things as they really are And Then Some
by Richard L. Weaver II, PhD
I’ve never given it a great deal of
consideration because it happens often when I am writing. I have selected a
topic; I have researched it; and now I am putting ideas into words. It is a
moment when I am aware of and paying attention to that point in time in
which I find myself. My past is gone, my future is not yet here, and I exist
between them in the present moment. What is rewarding, of course, is that I
have made a choice to be in the moment and be aware of what is happening
right now — I am observing myself having thoughts. This process of paying
attention to the here and now — observing my thoughts without being critical
or judgmental — is what many people call mindfulness.
Mindfulness, of course, is not constrained to formal sessions where I
actually plan ahead for it to occur nor is it relegated to meditation
sessions. It is an activity that can be done at any time because all that is
required is bringing the mind to focus on what is happening in the present
moment.
Mindfulness plays a central role in Buddhism being the seventh element of
the Noble Eightfold Path, the sadhana (means of accomplishing) of which is
held in the tradition to engender insight and wisdom. It is in that spirit,
but not tied to religion in any way, that I selected mindfulness as a topic
for this essay because anything designed to engender insight and wisdom
should be pursued with vigor, vigilance, and a sense of “how can I achieve
that?”
According to Thich Nhat Hanh at the Mindfulness Bell (A Journal of the Art
of Mindful Living) (http://www.mindfulnessbell.org/14trainings.htm) there
are fourteen mindfulness trainings which I have not only condensed here but
altered so that they have no religious connection nor necessity. They are
important to, but not totally necessary in, attaining states of mindfulness.
The second mindfulness training is nonattachment from views. It means
avoiding being narrow-minded and bound by present views. It allows openness
to others’ insights and experiences, awareness that knowledge is not
changeless or absolute, recognition that truth will be discovered by
observing life within and around you in every moment, and understanding that
learning takes place throughout your life.
The third mindfulness training is freedom of thought. It means making a
commitment not to impose your views on others — even your children — through
authority, threat, money, propaganda, or indoctrination. You must respect
the right of others to be different and to choose what to believe and how to
decide.
The fourth mindfulness training is awareness of suffering. It means
committing yourself to finding ways, including personal contact, images, and
sounds, to be with those who suffer, in order to understand their situation
deeply and help them transform their suffering into compassion, peace, and
joy.
The fifth mindfulness training is simple, healthy living. You commit
yourself to sharing your time, energy, and material resources with those in
need. It means, as well, not using alcohol, drugs, or any other products
that bring toxins into your body.
The sixth mindfulness training is dealing with anger. When anger comes up,
you must breathe, walk, and acknowledge, embrace, and look deeply into it,
and because it blocks communication and creates suffering, you must take
care of the energy of anger when it arises.
The seventh mindfulness training is dwelling happily in the present moment.
It means living deeply each moment of daily life — forgetting regrets of the
past, worries about the future, cravings, anger, or jealousy — by nourishing
joy, peace, love, and understanding in yourself.
The eighth mindfulness training is community and communication. It means
practicing compassionate listening and loving speech by listening deeply
without judgment and avoiding uttering words that create discord.
The ninth mindfulness training is truthful and loving speech. It means using
only words that inspire hope and confidence, avoiding saying untruthful
things, or uttering words that might cause division or hatred.
The tenth mindfulness training is practicing understanding and compassion.
It means taking a clear stand against oppression and injustice.
The eleventh mindfulness training is right livelihood. This means selecting
a livelihood that helps society realize its ideal of understanding and
compassion. It means behaving responsibly as consumers and citizens.
The twelfth mindfulness training is reverence for life. It means cultivating
nonviolence, promoting peace education, and reconciliation within families,
communities, nations, and the world.
The thirteenth mindfulness training is generosity. It means cultivating
loving kindness, learning ways to work for the well-being of people,
animals, plants, and minerals, and practicing generosity by sharing your
time, energy, and material resources with those in need.
The fourteenth and final mindfulness training is right conduct. It means
preserving your happiness and that of others by respecting the rights and
commitments of yourself and others.
Imagine, for a moment, what your life would be like if it was characterized
by each of these mindfulness training insights? Imagine the objectivity —
impartial watchfulness — that could be achieved in your perceptions when bad
mental states and unpleasantness is removed? If mindfulness registers
experiences, without comparison, labels, or categories, imagine the insights
and understandings that can come from the direct and immediate experiencing
of whatever is happening? If mindfulness is a way of seeing things as they
really are and seeing the deep nature of all phenomena — or seeing things as
they really are And Then Some — working to achieve the mindfulness training
insights becomes a meaningful and worthwhile goal.
back to page top
>
An attitude of gratitude And Then Some
>
Eight steps for raising your standards And Then Some!
>
Mindfulness is a way of seeing things as they really are And Then Some
>
Simple Suggestions for Improving Your Life And Then Some
>
The Core of the "AND THEN SOME" Philosophy Part 1
>
The Core of the "AND THEN SOME" Philosophy Part 2
Simple Suggestions for Improving Your Life And Then Some
by Richard L. Weaver II, PhD
Based on the teaching I have done,
advice I have given, essays and books I have written, and thinking I have
engaged in, I want to answer the question: what are the areas most essential
for improving your life? Let’s say that I’m in charge, and like a personal
trainer, I have been given the full responsibility for improving your life
right now — what would I do?
First, manage your stress. Stress often is revealed through exhaustion, loss
of/increased appetite, headaches, crying, sleeplessness, and oversleeping.
People escape it through alcohol, drugs, or other compulsive behavior.
Feelings of alarm, frustration, or apathy may accompany stress. Start with
the realization that you are the one upsetting yourself. Because stress has
a direct effect on your decision making, however, strive to get it under
control at once by getting enough sleep, exercise, and nutritional food.
Remove yourself from the stressful situation if possible, stop sweating the
small stuff, change the way you react, avoid extreme reactions, avoid
self-medication, stop overwhelming yourself, learn how to relax, change the
way you see things, and do something for others.
Second, take better care of yourself. You and you alone are responsible for
managing your health. How do you do it? You need to do four things: become
as knowledgeable as possible about your health conditions; take good care of
yourself; make the most of your encounters with your doctor; and keep
careful records.
Third, take care of your relationships. Whether your relationships are with
your supervisor, manager, customer or coworker, spouse, partner, friend, or
family member, you want to make them positive, supportive, clear, and
empowering. The best method is to be honest and committed. If you
communicate and reflect maturity and wisdom about yourself, you are more
likely to be accepted and respected. The degree that you love, accept, and
respect yourself is exactly the degree you can feel these qualities for
anyone else. Efforts toward establishing healthy relationships require
consistency, and you must make them a priority in your life. It is through
self-effort that you will achieve your goals of acceptance, respect, and
love.
Fourth, improve your communication skills. Your key to good communication is
listening well. Listen without judgment. Listen with the willingness to be
swayed to the other person's opinion. At least stay open to the option.
Listen without thinking about what you will say next. Take time before you
respond. Stop being invested in being right. Being right is not the point.
If you must be right, you are not able to listen nor communicate because you
have set up a barrier already. If you are always right that means the other
person is always wrong. That cannot be true.
Other suggestions for improving your communication skills include: If your
mind wanders, ask for repetition. Stay focused. In all cases repeat back
what you heard and ask if it is correct. Listen to yourself. Find quiet
moments and pay attention to what you are hearing from yourself. Does your
body tighten up about certain issues. Body language is not something to read
only in other people. Say it honestly, but with consideration for the
listener's feelings. Be polite, respectful, and sincere. Understand and
acknowledge that most things are not black or white but somewhere in a gray
area. Get comfortable with gray. Finally, have integrity and build trust.
Don't say what you don't mean, and don't promise what you won't or can't
fulfill. Follow through with any commitments you make.
Fifth, do not dwell on negativity in your life. You need to be careful with
whom you spend time and whom you allow to give you advice. Are they people
who are moving onward and upward, or are they wallowing in negativity,
self-pity, and mediocrity — going nowhere fast? Are their words inspiring
you to become the person you were intended to be, or are they deflating and
distracting you? Whatever direction your friends are heading, they will have
a major influence on your future ... if you allow it. If you are determined
to overcome your negativity and fulfil your destiny you cannot afford to be
held back by such relationships.
Negativity and anxiety work closely together. Anxious or depressed people
cannot see straight. Their perspective on life is blown out of proportion.
Small things seem huge, and molehills turn into insurmountable mountains. If
you are looking at the world with cynicism and bitterness, your perspective
of your life will become magnified and distorted in a destructive way.
There are four things you can do to deal with negativity. First, practice
catching yourself each time you become aware of being negative. Second,
learn to recognize negativity, then stop it. This gives you control over
your thought patterns and ultimately your life. Third, remind yourself how
your negativity damages important relationships. Nobody wants to be around
someone who is guaranteed to bring them down. Don't let yourself be that
person. Fourth, Look for the good in everything. There are few incidences in
life that do not have a positive flip-side, no matter how dire the
circumstances. Make it a habit to look for that silver lining.
By becoming aware of your everyday behavior — whether its in the areas of
stress, health, relationships, communication skills, or negativity --- and
slowly changing yourself to become more positive and optimistic, you will
feel happier within yourself, Also, you will experience less stress, better
health, successful and satisfying relationships, better connections with
others through improved communication skills, and, with less negativity,
attract new friends who actually enjoy your company.
These are simple suggestions for improving your life And Then Some; there
are many others, of course. My feeling has always been that there is no end
to the things that can be done to improve lives if people are aware,
sensitive, alert, and open. Taking responsibility for making the changes
needed is the tough part.
back to page top
>
An attitude of gratitude And Then Some
>
Eight steps for raising your standards And Then Some!
>
Mindfulness is a way of seeing things as they really are And Then Some
>
Simple Suggestions for Improving Your Life And Then Some
>
The Core of the "AND THEN SOME" Philosophy Part 1
>
The Core of the "AND THEN SOME" Philosophy Part 2
The Core of the "AND THEN SOME" Philosophy Part 1
by Richard L. Weaver II, PhD
Both as a college student and as a college teacher I was always astounded
at the number of students who would do what they needed to do to “get by”
rather than go the extra mile. Going the extra mile (and then some) is
simply doing more than you are asked or expected to do.
back to page top
>
An attitude of gratitude And Then Some
>
Eight steps for raising your standards And Then Some!
>
Mindfulness is a way of seeing things as they really are And Then Some
>
Simple Suggestions for Improving Your Life And Then Some
>
The Core of the "AND THEN SOME" Philosophy Part 1
>
The Core of the "AND THEN SOME" Philosophy Part 2
The Core of the "AND THEN SOME" Philosophy Part 2
by Richard L. Weaver II, PhD
“Do as I say, not as I do,” is an old-fashioned expression, and the
And Then Some” philosophy would be an easy
one to preach and not follow. That has not been the case in my life, and
that was not the case when I first wrote about And Then Some
more than twenty years ago. And Then Some probably represents,
better than anything else I can think of, the very epitome of what it means
to be a human being, and it comes close to having faith in something greater
than or beyond ourselves—faith based upon the interpretation of the
intangible instead of the physically tangible.
The faith associated with And Then Some is that associated
with trust—believing that the results of a choice you have made will act in
specific ways despite the potential influence of known or unknown change. It
is to have faith that the results of your current decisions will in some way
intensify, heighten, magnify, strengthen, augment, and enrich you in the
future. And Then Some is a belief that your choices will
result in a future that will be improved over the present with which you are
familiar now—belief in and trust of your abilities, based on everything you
know right now, to make decisions that will raise, lift, and elevate your
life.
back to page top
>
An attitude of gratitude And Then Some
>
Eight steps for raising your standards And Then Some!
>
Mindfulness is a way of seeing things as they really are And Then Some
>
Simple Suggestions for Improving Your Life And Then Some
>
The Core of the "AND THEN SOME" Philosophy Part 1
>
The Core of the "AND THEN SOME" Philosophy Part 2
